Monday, June 29, 2015


~Dreamt I was frustrated and threw my phone on the ground. The corner cracked and from there I pulled the case off, then the screen and then all the layers of the internal to be left with only a small piece of paper at the center. The paper had an image of a woman swimming, man walking, conversation between two people, a tree, and something else I can't recall. Since I didn't have my phone to communicate I used this piece of paper by pressing it on things, inserting into slots and showing it to people. It started a revolution~

The night before I thought about how I haven't been practicing yoga, walking, or do much physical activity for that matter, and asking myself why? What one thinks about before she sleeps may affect the content of the dreams.

Exchanged dreams with my lover. He said it's a sign to take action in a healthy way. Transition.

Lately I've been spending too much time on the internet either from my laptop or my phone. I'm so connected yet completely checked out on the basic human body level. There is only so much information, interaction, and waking up to the hot breath of ignorance obtained online. 

I reflected back on the piece of paper with images from my dream: woman swimming, man walking, tree, conversation.

I met up with someone for a walk in Griffith Park. I watched him walk towards me: Man walking.

The mountain hugged from the right and shared some trees with me: Tree.

Later that evening just as I parked my car the lover called. He was down the street and he also just returned home. He drove around the corner, pulled up to my car, rolled the window down, and there we sat in separate cars speaking in parallel conjunct universes: Conversation between two people. 

I had seen almost everything on that piece of paper except for the woman swimming. It was past 9:30pm so the reality of seeing this was not feasible.  

The waxing gibbous moon hypnotized me with an orange hued wonder. A cloud of a woman swam across the moon. Ahhhh. There she is.

A beautiful oracular day where the dream is reality and reality the dream.

P.S. I'm not texting for a while. Only making and accepting phone calls.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Day 3: ROK

Day 3:

Day two of being back into the world of online dating was quite dull. I did have a guy go back and forth over a period of a few hours about not talking to me anymore because I wasn't responding right away and then he would continue messaging me which I was unaware of at the time so it was interesting to see this guys process I guess. Seriously how do people have time to be on there all day? I spent a few minutes swiping guys and I didn't really like anyone that was on the menu. Anyway I had to get ready to back to LA the next day.

Recap of dating in LA:

It was:

First up we have "Artificial Sweetener." He was sweet, but there was something artificial about his sweetness. We went for breakfast and he emptied six packets of Sweet N' Low into his coffee. That ended it for me.

Next we have "The Wizard." I really loved talking with him about magic, rocks, energy all of that stuff wether it was on the phone or in person however, I wasn't physically attracted to him. We were trying to be friends but he kept trying to fuck me so yeah...

Then there was the "Coke Head." Date didn't last more than 15 minutes. If you are 38 years old and doing coke at 7pm on a Wednesday night, there is a problem. I thought I had vetted this guy, We emailed back and forth. Spoke on the phone more than a couple of times.  Disappointing.

Last we have the "Jew" and the "Palestinian." Two different guys, doing similar things in different parts of the country. Both were in the process of opening restaurants. The Jew working on a not-quite-hipster bar and Palestinian working on a vegan place. There were things I enjoyed about both these guys. The Jew had this romantic side and planned a sweet little day trip out of the city. The Palestinian, I visited his bakery (not vegan) and I was surprised how relaxed and friendly everyone was when he came around which is a good sign that the people working for him have a healthy work environment. While these guys are doing cool things with their lives, both men fell flat for me. There wasn't any excitement, closeness or playfulness. They both lacked to ability to really have intimacy and I don't think either of them actually respected me as a woman.

If it's possible I want to combine what I did like from these men and bring forth that guy. How about a conscious, romantic, educated, business minded, 5'10 or taller, creative, open-minded, intuitive, magic,vegan/vegetarian (meat on occasion but we can talk about that), loyal, and compassionate

Just go back into LA and I am entering this return with fresh eyes. Give me something real good :)


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The Return to OkCupid

Day 1:
It's been less than 24 hours and I'm already getting tired.  Received 22 messages within a four hour time span and 1 million likes, just kidding ;) One guy was already calling me out on my physical location. OkCupid is a little creepy in that way where it shows the exact city you are in even if you say you are somewhere else.
For some reason in real life or virtual reality, whenever a really good looking guy hits on me it does not sink in. I'm mean I'm healthy and pleasant enough to look at however I was told by a homeless man that I'm a C- a solid C-. Granted I was going through one of my androgynous phases and I did have a cast on my right arm and walked with a slight limp from being hit by a truck so I get it. Then another time some other homeless men mentioned that I looked to be in my mid 40's which I didn't take so much offense to because I was wearing my wool scarf from Nepal, loose fitted collard shirt, arms rolled up, and a knitted purse. Why are homeless men my so critical of my appearance? Honestly no clue. I like to be fucking comfortable. I'm 29 by the way.

What brought me back to online dating? Lately I've felt emotionally and sexually shut down. I spent four months in India and let's just say I'm still reeling from that. In order to survive there from a single white female standpoint, you can't be yourself. You can't be nice. Most men think you're a whore because of how their country portrays western women in media and movies. You have to cover up not only with clothing but with a smile while a painful numbness takes over your insides. Granted I probably should have gone over there with a buddy but I didn't have that option and I refuse to be a woman trapped in fear. Anyway more on India later. I'm still processing.

I guess I wanted to give online dating another chance because I need something to shift out this stuck stagnant prison on my vagina. I've been hiding and I want to really fall back in love with life again. I have zero desire to have sex with anyone. No one turns me on. However, I've developed an over active masturbation habit. I don't want to just have sex. I want to make love and that's where the hard part comes in. I have this wonderful body, mind, and spirit that only I get to enjoy and that seems kind of selfish and sad.

As for OkCupid today I do have this little gem from a gentleman cracked a smile on my face (I love a good bad joke):

"And suddenly the math book was pushed in to the bag with the other books and the other books were disgruntled and asked him ..." You got a problem!!!". The math books answered..." yes you want to start one;)"

Friday, April 18, 2014

"Find hap-pee-ness," she said. Emphasis on the 'pee."
"Wait, what? Happiness," I replied not quite getting it.
"Find ha-pee-ness," she repeated.
"Ok find...happiness," I stated.
"Find ha-penis," she slowed it down and winked at me with both eyes.
I paused to check in within myself, "Is she saying find a penis? She's saying find a penis. That's the secret to life?"
Liza was a spunky, slightly past middle-aged, elf like Canadian I met at the Crystal Skull conference in LA in celebration of 11/11/11. I know it makes me die a little inside when I'm reminded that I physically was there. Normally that would not be an event of personal choice to attend, considering Indiana Jones had a prominent presence over the whole thing (huge eye roll).

"How the fuck did I get here? This is not what I thought..."

Looking back three years later I realized that piece of advice that elf Liza gave me was the whole reason I went on that stupid documentary journey following a Mayan elder, 13 crystal skulls and their guardians on a pilgrimage activating sacred sites from New York to LA all leading up to 11/11/11.

What happened in between then and now, well, I'm still trying to figure that out.

I worry about humanity. I find myself becoming jaded which I vowed never to happen. Maybe it's this place. The people here are flat and feelingless. Here, I am flat and feelingless. Switching between numbness and anger. The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day and I want nothing to do with it.